Guy was working yesterday, so we didn't have the kind of Thanksgiving Day during which laughter and loudness echoed joyously through the hallways of 95 North. But it was quiet and relaxing, and it was a day of reflection for me.
When Halloween "hit", it seemed like the holidays had rushed in like a welcomed but unexpected visitor! And it "hit" me that I didn't think that I could go through one more sequence of holidays without a child in our home. Guy and I were busy last year with our social worker, and paperwork, and paperchasing, and stamping, and fingerprinting! And then on June 1st we got the notification that we were officially logged in with the China Center for Adoption Affairs. That felt like a relief to us ~ the culmination of stacks of paperwork and effort and time and least of all money. And then the summer passed in a craze of traveling and working, and we didn't have much time to think about our adoption. But as child after child rang our doorbell on Halloween night, and we were greeted by princesses and robots and devils and Raggedy Ann's, I felt a "hole" widening into a "crater". An empty, lonely, quiet canyon. Our own princess is still years away. And so I felt sorry for myself and for us. . . for a while.
But the calendar month turned, and the days passed, and Thanksgiving arrived! Our refrigerator is on the fritz and I was not feeling really motivated anyway to spend the day in the kitchen, especially with Guy on call. So, I picked up all of the Thanksgiving fixings from our favorite vegan restaurant, Lovin' Spoonfuls, and as soon as everyone was hungry enough, we warmed it all up and compassionately feasted! The food was delicious and the Pinot Noir was smooth. There is so much to be thankful for in our household, even if we have not been blessed with the pitter-patter of non-furry little feet. I am now feeling a renewed commitment to being content through the holidays and to not feeling sorry for myself. I am blessed in ways that are beyond what I had imagined in my wildest dreams!
And this brings me to my last little thought for the day now that I have moved beyond my previous state of self-pity. What I want more than anything right now is for Heidi to get up and walk! She laid in her shiny black fur coat yesterday evening with a look of peace and contentedness that is beyond comprehension considering she hasn't been able to get up for almost 2 weeks now. She has lost about 5 pounds and her little bones feel so prominent with the muscles around them atrophied. She can roll from side to side. Once during the evening, I think that she forgot that she is not able to walk and she even tried to push her butt upward! I think that the change of scenery was good for her. She was happy to see her "cousins" and to listen to me play some Christmas carols on the piano. And she ate with gusto! So, I am hanging on to the hope and the belief that she WILL get better. The "light" is still alive and well in her soulful brown eyes. And it's not just that Henry, my little lion man, can make just about anyone smile. . .
I know not how I may seem to others, but to myself I am but a small child wandering upon the vast shores of knowledge, every now and then finding a small bright pebble to content myself with ~ Plato
When Halloween "hit", it seemed like the holidays had rushed in like a welcomed but unexpected visitor! And it "hit" me that I didn't think that I could go through one more sequence of holidays without a child in our home. Guy and I were busy last year with our social worker, and paperwork, and paperchasing, and stamping, and fingerprinting! And then on June 1st we got the notification that we were officially logged in with the China Center for Adoption Affairs. That felt like a relief to us ~ the culmination of stacks of paperwork and effort and time and least of all money. And then the summer passed in a craze of traveling and working, and we didn't have much time to think about our adoption. But as child after child rang our doorbell on Halloween night, and we were greeted by princesses and robots and devils and Raggedy Ann's, I felt a "hole" widening into a "crater". An empty, lonely, quiet canyon. Our own princess is still years away. And so I felt sorry for myself and for us. . . for a while.
But the calendar month turned, and the days passed, and Thanksgiving arrived! Our refrigerator is on the fritz and I was not feeling really motivated anyway to spend the day in the kitchen, especially with Guy on call. So, I picked up all of the Thanksgiving fixings from our favorite vegan restaurant, Lovin' Spoonfuls, and as soon as everyone was hungry enough, we warmed it all up and compassionately feasted! The food was delicious and the Pinot Noir was smooth. There is so much to be thankful for in our household, even if we have not been blessed with the pitter-patter of non-furry little feet. I am now feeling a renewed commitment to being content through the holidays and to not feeling sorry for myself. I am blessed in ways that are beyond what I had imagined in my wildest dreams!
And this brings me to my last little thought for the day now that I have moved beyond my previous state of self-pity. What I want more than anything right now is for Heidi to get up and walk! She laid in her shiny black fur coat yesterday evening with a look of peace and contentedness that is beyond comprehension considering she hasn't been able to get up for almost 2 weeks now. She has lost about 5 pounds and her little bones feel so prominent with the muscles around them atrophied. She can roll from side to side. Once during the evening, I think that she forgot that she is not able to walk and she even tried to push her butt upward! I think that the change of scenery was good for her. She was happy to see her "cousins" and to listen to me play some Christmas carols on the piano. And she ate with gusto! So, I am hanging on to the hope and the belief that she WILL get better. The "light" is still alive and well in her soulful brown eyes. And it's not just that Henry, my little lion man, can make just about anyone smile. . .
I know not how I may seem to others, but to myself I am but a small child wandering upon the vast shores of knowledge, every now and then finding a small bright pebble to content myself with ~ Plato
3 comments:
Oh Marissa I hope and pray that you will soon enjoy the pitter patter of little feet...soon. It is such a mental struggle, but a worthwhile one, to constantly remember that we are blessed despite our heartaches. Glad you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and I am hoping Heidi gets well very soon. I have another bloggy friend with the same struggle...Malissa at "My Life and Everything in Between." Her link is on my page. She is another very sweet soul. You might want to check her out. Take care.
What a long wait. Sorry Marissa. Ugh, you two will really be such wonderful parents. Holidays really do make us reflect. Well, I hope very soon you'll get the call to pack your bags and head to China! Then I can't wait to hear how the plane trip home goes with your beautiful new baby girl(s)!!! And then I can start buying PINK!!!
xo
What a great way to express yourself!
A baby soon to be at 95 Camino Espanol; and our little Heidi, a wonderful companion for 12 years now.
I know with all of us pulling for her she will come through!
Thanks for being so good to her
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