Happy and sad at the same time...

My fortune cookie a few nights ago read something like, "Be patient. The Great Wall of China wasn't built in a day." I took it as a sure sign (of something!) since our China adoption agency is Great Wall China Adoption. It got me thinking about being patient.

I have been pre-occupied by other things these past few months, so I have not had a lot of time to obsess about our adoption, or lack thereof I should write. It has been nearly 277 days. Truly, that is really nothing. For example, I read today on a blog that I frequent, about a woman who has been waiting 55 months for her China adoption! 55 months = (quick calculation) 4.58 years! Holy cow! When Guy and I decided to adopt from China we were aware that the process was long and that it could take 3 or 4 years. Admittedly, we were in some minor clouds of denial, but we also did not think that the wait could possibly get longer than 3 to 4 years. What the heck?

Now let's backtrack to about 2 or 3 weeks ago. We got an unexpected phone call from our local adoption agency, Oasis, which we hired to complete our social worker visits and our homestudy. The woman said that she knew we were hoping for a China adoption and that we didn't really have a true "file" with their agency. But she said that a 40-something active couple in Tucson is scheduled to have a healthy baby boy in April, and that they are looking to adopt the child to a healthy active couple with no biological children. BING! She had been looking through all of their files and felt that we might be a perfect match for this couple. First of all, how weird to think that an answer to a question, and our feelings in just a moment, could potentially change a life forever!! And second of all, we just were not ready at that moment for the "180". It just felt too wild and crazy for us.

This is what we picture: a little girl (or girls) from a faraway land, with beautiful jet black hair, and gorgeous deep-brown eyes. We imagine ourselves traveling to China and experiencing "Gotcha" day! We believe that things like fortunes in our cookies are signs! And from the beginning, we were hesitant to consider domestic adoption because the process is typically not anonymous or final. Being in our late 30s/early 40s, we are not prepared to completely open our hearts to a baby if there is any chance that the baby will be taken back because a birth mother changes her mind.

And, in addition to all of the ideas that we envision and dreams that we have already embraced, there is another thing to consider! 2 months from now is
oh,
...so,
...close.
In order to protect our vulnerable hearts, we reset our time-line to 3 to 4 years. We had to do that! Along those lines, we recently hired an architect to figure out how to attractively add 2 bedrooms to our home, and that project alone could take 2 years to reach completion. But then I also admitted to myself that if the adoption agency had called and said that they had healthy twin girls schedule to be born in, say, July, it would not have been quite as far of a stretch in my mind. And again, there was a reset button pushed in the recesses of my heart. And there was some discussion. Lots of discussion, actually.

We again discussed all of our options for building a family, and we again thought about issues that we had not thought about since we made our decision to adopt from China. And we are again considering some of these other options. And the options are still not easy on the emotions, and we are scared, doubtful, and confused, but they are options. And we want a family.

It struck me last night, though, that with my whole heart, I still imagine us with a little girl from China, and for God's sake, I hope that the adoption process speeds up. It will be 1 year since our approval in just 3 months, and that went fairly quickly, all-in-all. Thankfully, we are both so busy that our heads are spinning half of the time. When life slows down even for a day, the whole situation becomes a tiny bit painful. That is the truth.

Lastly, my Mom brought me a child's book last night called "Sweet Moon Baby" by Karen Henry Clark. It is a simple and a sweet book. It is a story about a little girl adopted from China. And suddenly, my resolve stumbled...

"On the other side of the world, a husband and wife could not sleep. They wanted a daughter. Still, she never came.

They made a garden to keep busy while they waited for her. "Maybe she will like carrots," the wife said. "Maybe she will like peas," the husband said. Still she never came.

Next they planted fruit trees. "In case she likes pie," the wife said. "In case she likes climbing," the husband said. Still, she never came.

They built a house with a room just for her. "Perhaps she will like pretty things," the wife said. "Perhaps she will like books," the husband said.

They were happy and sad at the same time.

We have an amazing and wonderful life. Happy and sad at the same time.